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Whether you’re making love to a special someone, enjoying a one-night stand, or honestly…all the above, (consensual) sex is a fundamental pleasure that is to be enjoyed. Of course, there is an innate drive in most humans to feel and act on any occurring sexual attraction one may feel towards a person or multiple persons.
To gain a clearer understanding, sex or sexual activity is defined as any activity - solitary, between two persons, or in a group that induces sexual arousal. Putting aside the reproductive potential of sexual intercourse, sex functions on a flexible spectrum across gender and sexuality.
What sex looks and feels like is up to the individual and ultimately is a vital and healthy part of human life. Sexuality is not something to be dispelled but encouraged. However, when it comes to the Black, Gaye community, sex has historically been weaponized by society to force us to deny the parts of ourselves that make us who we are.
The past and present attempts at dispossessing our humanity as queer people cause real psychological and bodily harm which by extension dramatically disrupts our relationship to sex.
From living in such a hetero-patriarchal society to experiencing trauma, which is often experienced early in life, can lead to negative outcomes in LGBTQ+ individuals. According to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, compared to their heterosexual peers, LGBTQ+ youth are disproportionately exposed to a wide range of adverse outcomes.
As a result, there is an increased risk for mental and physical obstacles (e,g. depression, addiction, anxiety) and a higher risk for drastic coping methods (e.g. risky sexual behavior, substance abuse).
When it comes to “risky sexual behavior”, sex/sexual activity is warped from a positive, healthy dynamic to one that can cause a detrimental impact in a person’s life. Instead, sex can be used as an escape route or a tool to distract oneself from the aforementioned mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and even loneliness.
To gain a better understanding of how this issue of sexual escapism can impact Black, LGBTQ+ communities we spoke to Dr. Jonathan Lassiter, a leading expert on Black LGBTQ+ health. His work focuses on Afrocentric psychology, decentering whiteness in mental health spaces, and spirituality.
Dr. Lassiter also heads his own practice, Lassiter Health Initiatives, where he treats high-achieving Black & POC LGBTQ+ professionals, same-sex couples, and people living with sickle cell anemia, including their caregivers.
Drawing from his extensive education and his own personal life as a Black, queer professional born with sickle cell anemia, Dr. Lassiter can personally resonate with the unique needs and backgrounds of his clientele.
With over a decade’s worth of experience working to clarify the intersection between Blackness and queerness, Dr. Lassiter provided outstanding insight into understanding the phenomena of sexual escapism.
Is sexual escapism the same as sex addiction?
“They can be correlated. Sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity is when a person feels they have to have sex. They have a hard time sitting with being “horny”, but continue to seek sex over and over again, because they don’t feel right if they’re not having sex.”
“Sexual escapism is when we are using sex to cope with negative or unpleasant emotions. If we’re using it as a way to not think about our problems, grieve, or even boost our self-esteem. That’s sexual escapism.”
“Sexual escapism and sexual addiction definitely overlap because if you have very low self-esteem, then you’re constantly seeking to have that fulfilled and if you’re using sex to do that, then that can go into sexual compulsivity or addiction, but they don’t necessarily overlap, but they can.”
Historically and socially, Black, LGBTQ+ people have been viewed as “hypersexual”? Why is that? Also, is this a complete stereotype or is there any validity to it?
“So when we talk about hypersexualization, we can really find the roots of that in European colonization. Black bodies have always been pathologized since European eyes saw them, because of their difference.”
“[European] people saw dark skin, they saw more muscular bodies, and they said animalistic, they said 'threat', they said 'danger'. [European] people used these negative attributes that they placed on people because of how their bodies differed from theirs to justify the brutality they committed against enslaved Africans."
“So we see several iterations of that same demonizing, pathologizing of Black bodies continue to be recycled throughout decades. We have the thug, we have the video vixen, etc…Even in Black, LGBTQ+ communities we have terms like power bottoms, pigs, pig tops, which speaks to this insatiable sexuality.”
“All of these things definitely have their roots in trying to demonize or make people’s sexuality a problem so that it would be easier to control them.”
“Now, we definitely know that some people have taken that on. There are some people who overuse sex or turn to sex far too often to cope with emotional concerns or financial concerns or just any particular stressor in their lives. That’s sexual escape…trying to fulfill a need that sex can’t fulfill with sex and that’s the problem.”
“There is nothing wrong with sexual pleasure itself but why are we having sex is the question.”
What are some telltale signs of people going through sexual escapism?
“You will most likely recognize that people are having a lot of sex to cope with the negative feelings they may be having.”
“Also, we may see people who are using sex as an escape during times of particularly high stress. Maybe they have a promotion coming up or a death anniversary of a loved one, then all of a sudden you don’t hear from them, because they’re having sex at a bathhouse or something.”
“These are some of the things we notice as a pattern, where they may need someone to talk to. Again, most people have sex, so we don’t want to make sex a negative thing. So the question is…Why are we using sex? What is the function of sex?”
How prevalent are mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression among Black, LGBTQ+ people compared to their heterosexual counterparts?
“We definitely know compared to their Black, heterosexual counterparts, [excluding Black, non-binary peoples due to lack of research on this specific population], they have higher rates of depression, anxiety, experiences of trauma, childhood physical, emotional, & sexual abuse, and experiences of neglect.”
“The data is mixed when compared to white, LGBTQ+ folks. We see the official diagnoses of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder tend to be lower among Black, LGBTQ+ people than their white counterparts.”
Within the Black, LGBTQ+ community are there any groups that in comparison (i.e Black gay women, Black gay men, Black trans women, Black trans men), have higher rates of mental health disorders?
“That’s a hard question to answer.”
“One of the reasons it’s hard to answer is because most of the research about Black, LGBTQ+ people is actually research about Black gay and bisexual men and Black transwomen. That’s due to the fact that most of that research is within the context of HIV because that’s what federal organizations fund.”
“So we actually don’t have enough research on Black lesbian women, Black bisexual women, so on and so forth and we definitely don’t have enough research teasing out the different groups up under the Black LGBTQ+ umbrella.”
“It’s a problem and it hinders how well we can attend to the specific needs of each of these subgroups within the community. It’s a real problem.”
In terms of what gets funded, although HIV research is important, that’s not the essence of who we are.
“Exactly. I think it goes back to pathologizing Black bodies so much because with HIV, again we don’t want to minimize it, unfortunately it’s still a problem for too many in our community.”
“However, by only focusing there, we sort of narrow Black, LGBTQ+ people down to their bodies. We’re not studying enough about who they are in relationship to their family members, who they are in their romantic relationships. We’re not studying enough about how they thrive.”
“The research community often only focuses on what's going wrong and again, what’s going wrong in the realm of sex and drugs. So that paints a very negative picture.”
If society views you as this purely sexual being, especially in the case of Black, LGBTQ+ youth, does that view get absorbed in the psyche to the point where sex/their body can become a person’s identity?
“Exactly. We talk about representation matters. It matters in every place, because if the message that you’re getting is you’re at risk for HIV, you’re at risk for substance abuse, or we only want you because you have a particular body part that we fetishize, then that becomes the vision of what you can be in the world.”
“It’s important to have visions that are layered and multifaceted about what and who you can be in the world. We definitely are harming ourselves and youth by focusing on the problems, because that narrows the vision of who we can be and we also perpetuate that with each other, because we can’t see each other outside of that box.”
Do you feel like dating apps and websites enable sexual escapism?
“It definitely enables the behavior, because it makes it more convenient. It makes it quicker to engage in sex.”
“So, if you want to engage in sex, then it’s easier now than ever to do that, but sex is not necessarily intimacy. Sex is not necessarily connection. Sex is not necessarily belonging or understanding.”
“What people really want at the end of the day is belonging. They want understanding. They want to feel heard and seen. They want to feel loved and cared about. Sex with random strangers, nine times out of ten is not going to do that. It may give it to you momentarily, but it’s not real and it’s not deep.”
“If we move so much into the app space that we don’t cultivate that outside of that space, then we still end up with those needs unmet.”
What are some ways to deter sexual escapism, especially if someone has a loved one going through that challenge?
“One, ask yourself what is the function. Maybe the function is I want to feel accepted. Okay, well let’s figure out other ways to feel accepted. Maybe it’s joining a group of people with the same interests and hobbies and vision in life you have.”
“Basically I help clients find different ways to get those needs met that aren’t sex. And that’s going to look different for each person. How do we replace sex with activities? How do we cultivate a community for you that allows you to actually get the needs met that you’re trying to get met with sex?”
“Because again, sex is not meeting those needs and it’s just a temporary fix and nine times out of ten, it leaves you feeling even more empty. So how can we get you to do something else that’s actually going to meet those needs and leave you feeling connected, not empty.”
To learn more about Dr. Jonathan Lassiter and his practice, Lassiter Health Initiatives, check out his website.
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